Hair wars...

Folks want to talk about the Steelers defense running headlong into the Cardinals offense. Kurt Warner trying to encourage one more big victory out of his 37 year-old body. Big Ben winning a second championship since taking the reins in Steel City. But, those aren't the stories. No, the real story of the Super Bowl match up is which hair style will triumph, thereby setting an irreversible follicle course for a whole generation of young, impressionable kids. Make no mistake, the winner of the Troy Polamalu v. Larry Fitzgerald hair derby will have ripple effects throughout the culture sure to be felt from Bangor to Bakersfield. So, let's break it down.

The Combatant: Troy Polamalu
The Style: The Lion's Mane
Popular With: 80's rockers, science nerds, utter geniuses, and kings of the jungle

The Combatant: Larry Fitzgerald
The Style: The Viper Locks
Popular With: Reggae megastars, nursery playthings, fictional Greek villains and dust-eating creatures

The Showdown, Round 1: In the opening round of the popularity playoffs, the 80's rockers knock off the reggae megastars when the latter are too, um, "mellow" to fight back while the guitarist from Slayer bashes them repeatedly with his Flying-V axe. In a mild upset, the nursery playthings overpower the science nerds by distracting them with an Erector set. While the nerds fiddle away, the nursery playthings gang up in a "Child's Play" sort of way. The fictional Greek villains score a victory for the Viper Locks by freezing the utter geniuses in place. The resulting statue looks great on an executive's desk, but does little for the battle at hand. In the final first-round face off, the kings of the jungle easily overpower the dust-eating creatures by simply tearing them into little pieces and subsequently distributing the pieces for the whole family to dine on. After one round, the Lion's Mane and the Viper Locks are dead even.

The Showdown, Round 2: The 80's rockers, fresh off of their convincing pummeling of the reggae megastars, meet some unexpected resistance from the nursery playthings. It seems that most rockers are simply trying to get in touch with their inner child and at the sight of the mementos of days gone by, the rockers break into uncontrollable weeping. Score an unexpected victory for the Viper Locks. In the other second-round battle, the fictional Greek villains square off with the kings of the jungle. When the fictional Greek villains attempt to use their signature hypnotic attack against the mighty beasts, they are shocked to find that their powers do not work on members of the panthera genus. In the brief battle that ensues, the fictional Greek villains are torn into little pieces which are subsequently distributed for the whole panthera family to dine on. On to the final round and an epic battle for the ages: nursery playthings v. kings of the jungle, with the future of hair culture on the line.

The Showdown: Final Round: The kings of the jungle come out wary, not sure what to expect from the upstart nursery playthings. The kings of the jungle resort to such intimidation tactics as circling, pawing and roaring. The nursery playthings seem undaunted, never flinching once in the face of such a display of brute power. The nursery playthings approach appears to be the classic "play dead and maybe they'll leave us alone." Instead, the kings of the jungle tire of the posturing and pounce. It's all over in a blur of stuffing and fabric. The kings of the jungle prevail and the nursery playthings tactic of playing dead no longer seems so playful. The kings of the jungle have struck a decisive victory in the fashion war and the Lion's Mane style remains the undisputed champion of gridiron hairdos. Children everywhere will now begin growing out their hair as large as it can go. Congratulations, Troy, I hope you're proud of yourself.

(The preceding was brought to you by Aqua Net.)

Florida, Florida, Florida...

Raise your metaphorical cyber-hand if you've grown tired of the University of Florida. I know my buddy Scott won't raise his, but mine is firmly thrust into the air.

I mean, really, Florida? Two national titles in football in three years? Knocking UCLA out of the men's basketball tourney two years in a row (and once on my birthday)? We've all grown tired of the dominance.

Whatever happened to parity? Whatever happened to the little guy having a chance? Whatever happened to the sudden rise of the unknown amateur athlete? All gone in a blue and orange swirl of "chomping" arms, overaggressive recruiting and shameless cashing in on the previous run of success.

I will not root for Florida. They simply win too often. They have simply grown too good. I represent the majority of right thinking people.

(See how crazy your argument sounds when it's about a team other than the Yankees?)